My brother

He's gone.
He's gone.
And they didn't tell me.
I had to ask.
Why the hell.
WHY the hell.
What's the point in moaning over his loss,
when he was lost a few days ago.
and no one told me.
Not even Zen.

I'm sorry

She isn't talking to me, and when she does,
she isn't her usual self. I wonder why....
No I don't need to wonder.
She's mad at me.
Mad at me for stealing.
Mad at me for going away.
Mad at me for everything.
and you know, I think she has the
right to be... I would be mad too...

but I GAVE the phone's back,
no one's pressing charges.
I CAME back to Singapore,
just to make sure she was okay.
and nobody's perfect right?
She's so pissed off at me, that she's
making me feel pissed off at myself.
How am I supposed to stay is Aus
while knowing that she is still angry and upset?
I did it before... but this time it's harder.

I just may break all contact with her.
I broke too many of everyone's promises.
and I am too embarrassed to see her again.
If it sounds pathetic,
then you have no idea how I feel.

Yellow? Blue's there? FREAK

HAHAHAHA. I don't think I've laughed this much
since that time strawberry milkshake came out of
Matt's nose. Zen's such a freak.

Called her today, like I'm doing every other day,
to make sure she's still alive.
Apparently she is. (Damn it...)
We made yet another pact.
If we're both single by the age of 28,
we're getting married. It's a back-up yo.
Not all of us get hot models as wives okay.
Sometimes we have to settle for second best! Hahaha.

Zen's still broken about her break-up.
She really liked that guy, whoever he is.
She said, "I just had to, you know...?"
And you know what? I think I do.
I totally completely understand.
There's just no chemistry. There's
no friendship. There's no... love. I know that feeling yo.
I so get that. I hope she does too, it's not her fault.
He doesn't blame her, she shouldn't blame herself
like she always does. Such a paranoia addict.

Was reminiscing, flippin through photo albums
of Essence. For you guys who have no flippin idea
what that is, it's my old band.
Consisting of the weirdest people in the world.
Zen, Tod, LX, Shun Yi, Jason & Jay.
Aren't they weird? They are, aren't they.
The last photo we took of the gig in Hard rock is
super cool. Zen looks hot.
WHAT?! Nothing.
She was wearing that navy sleeveless & cap I bought for
her from England. Jason has a coffee mustache.
No one told him to clean it.
J still has that emo hair and emo vest. Ha.
Damn we were so close.
Those were good times dude. I think about them a lot.

I had a dream that Ma came to visit me last night.
It was kinda creepy.
I didn't expect it. I imagined myself in my old
room playing my psp, sweating as usual cos of that
stupid air conditioning problem.
Suddenly I heard the door open, and I flipped.
I went out and Ma was there. She was bleeding
from her wrist like how I saw her on the floor
for the last time.
She was so pale. She smiled at me and I
almost started crying. I smiled at her and brought
her to the kitchen to get a drink.
She sat down and didn't touch the drink I prepared
for her. She said she couldn't stay for long,
she told me never to give up and face my problems
head on like how I always did. She tucked my hair
and kissed my forehead before she went out of the house
and I just sat there, shocked.
I wonder whether she's okay, wherever she is now.

Remember that girl I told you about?
The new girl...
Yah her name's Jenna.
She's cute. Funny. Pretty.
I told Zen about her. Zen just went
"HA. I'm surprised that someone like her,
if she's the way you described her,
would actually go for you, LOSER!"
Mega sigh. So her.
I gave Zen a pair of PJs from Aus,
she says it's cute. Apparently she's wearing
it now.

Did I tell you I'm in SG now?
HAHAHAHAHAHA.
I shocked you didn't I.
I'm staying for two weeks before
I go back again, just a small vacation.
I'm going to visit a few people.
Hanging with the guys, smoking, drinking,
watching porn, the usual. Ha.
Going to kill Tray, for giving Zen a hard
time.

The maybes' :
The guy Zen was dating.
DW. To kill him once and for all.
Bella.
Zen.
Zen's CT friends.
SJI peeps.

Those are maybe's.
Gotta think.

I went to Kallang.
Asking me why the hell I went so far for right?
To see Zen and Bella.
I got a glance of them, I think
Zen saw me. So I ran to carpark. HA!
Watched them play all the way till 5 or 6 I think.
I almost ran over to bella, she looked sad man.
And Zen was laughing like a stupid person, as usual.

Crud. I gotta shower now.
Post another time.

Yet another one

I am so fucking pissed off right now.
So DAMN fucking pissed off, you have no idea.
It was 2 am in the morning here,
probably about... 11/12 pm in Singapore,
and I got a call from Zen, and the minute
she heard my voice, she started crying.

Fuck that guy she's with.
Doesn't he know that this is her first
kiss that she will actually remember?
They've been together for like... what,
a month? And he KISSES her?
OF COURSE she'll flip, you have no
idea how fucking fragile she is, damn it.
FUCK. I hate seeing her cry.
Hearing her cry is no better. For an hour
I was just thinking of getting a flight to SG
just to be there for her, & her bloody
mother didn't do any better, now did she.
& she was even more upset when Bella
stopped replying her sms', cos she couldn't
turn to anyone else. I'm pissed off at that too.

I can't stay here with the thought in my mind
that Zen's gonna be like that for a long time.
I just can't...
What am I supposed to do...

Breathe In the Air

Ah, Australia.
I've finally settled in, and it's official,
I've unpacked my last box.
Yeah, I've got to admit, I miss my peeps,
but hey, I got something in return, didn't I?
New school, new friends, new home,
it's all good. It's great, in fact.

but no... I haven't forgotten anything,
the reason why I moved,
all my memories back in SG,
I haven't forgotten anything, but the
good thing is that they will eventually fade.

School's good, boring, but good.
Guessing which school I got into?
Eltham High School. Yes yes, Eltham.
Very bright, very academically fantastic.
No one cares about that. It's the PEOPLE there.
Man, the people.
They're all great, I've got new friends,
as usual, the popular clique.
Hey, I'm cool! What else can you expect?

&... last but not least...
there's a girl involved...

Against All Odds

I ran out of words.
I went over to her house to talk to her,
to at least explain to her that I was sorry.
If she hadn't read the letter, I wanted to explain what it was about.
I saw her coming, she saw me, and she turned away.
"Zen, I know I'm leaving..... but you.... you have to take care you know?"
That's all that could come out of my mouth.
and I didn't even get to finish the sentence before she said "I know. Take Care. Love you. Bye."
then she slammed the door in my face...
but it was for the best. Even if she stopped to hear me,
I wouldn't know what to say. In the end, I'd have still turned away
and walked.

I wrote a note to her, and Bella too,
but I'm not going to give it to them, I won't since they feel this way.
Since they're so angry about me leaving or not meeting them like
I said I would. I watched them yesterday, and that's gonna be
the image in my head for the rest of my life - them waiting for me.

& I saw their disappointment. They kept checking the time.
I saw a glimpse of sadness.
I stayed there for the rest of the day.

You know what? I'm going to forgot all of this.
Since this is so damn screwed up, I shall just
leave this in God's hands and hope for the best.
I just hope one day I'll find the answer to my questions.

You know what? I love both of them,
too much that it's going to hurt to say goodbye.
Zen already told me that neither of them are
coming on Tuesday. & I understand, I wouldn't either if I was them.
but it's okay. It's better. It would hurt more if
I actually had to see her face again.

I saw that shimmer of tears when she saw me today.
She forced herself to look away.
but you know it hurts to have someone you love
just do that to you?
I guess that's what she would be saying right now about me.
I know she'll find someone that loves her more than I do.
Maybe she already has. She hasn't told me,
but it's okay. That guy's lucky, he ought to know that.
& he better take care of her unlike how I failed to.
all the pain I put her through.... God it's better that I'm leaving.
I know she'll be okay. I know all of them will.
cos even if it's tough saying goodbye, it's all for the best.
I would rather lose all contact with them then to fail them again.

I'm going to get some sleep now.
I'm leaving this place in 3 days and counting.
I need to get some rest and forget about all this.
Forget about her.

At last

Zen made me smile.
She did a really cute face.
Maybe she was trying to imitate someone.
I don't think it was Bella.
Bella's creepy. BADDDD creepy. Muahahaha.

I'm back to school, back on track, back to gym.
Everything in my life is tiring.
Even sleeping is tiring, but I'd rather sleep
then do anything else, or maybe just talk to Zen.
That would be fine.

I was thinking of transferring to CT.
What about that. hah.
Not just to torture that son of a bitch that
might be transferring there, or to check out
that Marcus dude that Zen keeps calling black, but
just so I can spend more time with her and Bella also.
I don't feel ensured when I'm not with her.
I feel like everything she touches becomes dangerous.
She's so fragile like.
Oh and also to make Marcus jealous.
I really think he likes Bella, but... who knows?
God. God knows.

I'm getting baptized soon.
Finally. Finally. I've waited for that my whole life,
did you know?
I wanted this ever since I was young, and
I was held back from God by my parents. Now that
they're gone, so is the barrier that separates God and I.
I know I could've just talked to him, but
I felt like I couldn't. I felt held back, I felt enclosed.

Oh God, help. I still have unfinished homework.
It's half an hour to 11. I want to go to sleep, but I can't
knowing that there will be piles of homework waiting
for me in the morning. It's irritating as heck.

Zen just asked me who was the girl I loved.
I couldn't answer her. What was I supposed to say?
"Oh, it's no one. Just you."
No, I'll keep it to myself... I hope I can.
I hope I'm strong enough. It's hard to be strong
around her, she just makes everything so difficult,
yet I can't keep away, I can't keep a distance.

I wanted to run away. I can actually. All I have to do is
tell my uncle I don't mind. My uncle got a job in Aus,
he was about to move there before my parents... thing...
but for my benefit and Xin Yi's benefit, he decided to
stay, but if I told him I wouldn't mind... he would move.
We all would move. And I'll never see Zen again.
That's it, last of it, no goodbyes whatsoever.
but I find it so hard to... saying goodbye to her, I mean.
Even if it's just going back to Uncle's house from meeting her,
it's just so hard.
Like I said, she makes everything difficult.

Life's difficult.
She's worse.
Lord, help me.