At last

Zen made me smile.
She did a really cute face.
Maybe she was trying to imitate someone.
I don't think it was Bella.
Bella's creepy. BADDDD creepy. Muahahaha.

I'm back to school, back on track, back to gym.
Everything in my life is tiring.
Even sleeping is tiring, but I'd rather sleep
then do anything else, or maybe just talk to Zen.
That would be fine.

I was thinking of transferring to CT.
What about that. hah.
Not just to torture that son of a bitch that
might be transferring there, or to check out
that Marcus dude that Zen keeps calling black, but
just so I can spend more time with her and Bella also.
I don't feel ensured when I'm not with her.
I feel like everything she touches becomes dangerous.
She's so fragile like.
Oh and also to make Marcus jealous.
I really think he likes Bella, but... who knows?
God. God knows.

I'm getting baptized soon.
Finally. Finally. I've waited for that my whole life,
did you know?
I wanted this ever since I was young, and
I was held back from God by my parents. Now that
they're gone, so is the barrier that separates God and I.
I know I could've just talked to him, but
I felt like I couldn't. I felt held back, I felt enclosed.

Oh God, help. I still have unfinished homework.
It's half an hour to 11. I want to go to sleep, but I can't
knowing that there will be piles of homework waiting
for me in the morning. It's irritating as heck.

Zen just asked me who was the girl I loved.
I couldn't answer her. What was I supposed to say?
"Oh, it's no one. Just you."
No, I'll keep it to myself... I hope I can.
I hope I'm strong enough. It's hard to be strong
around her, she just makes everything so difficult,
yet I can't keep away, I can't keep a distance.

I wanted to run away. I can actually. All I have to do is
tell my uncle I don't mind. My uncle got a job in Aus,
he was about to move there before my parents... thing...
but for my benefit and Xin Yi's benefit, he decided to
stay, but if I told him I wouldn't mind... he would move.
We all would move. And I'll never see Zen again.
That's it, last of it, no goodbyes whatsoever.
but I find it so hard to... saying goodbye to her, I mean.
Even if it's just going back to Uncle's house from meeting her,
it's just so hard.
Like I said, she makes everything difficult.

Life's difficult.
She's worse.
Lord, help me.