I'm alone

I can't imagine what's life without parents.
Oh wait, I can... and why is that again?
because as off yesterday, I have none.

I didn't disown them, both in one way or another
disowned me. I knew my mother loved me too much
to even tell me what she was about to do,
she did it silently, her screams - silent, her cries - silent.
Blood spilled onto the bathroom floor, her blood,
by her own hands, and I stood there, muffled
screams of my sister, the world was blocked out.
My first thought was, "I'm alone."

I wonder if it was my fault that this happened.
That my father left with some slut probably
20 years old younger than her, that my mother is
in a place of darkness, that my sister is suffering
for depression and trauma. Maybe it was my fault,
how would I ever live with that?

Right now beside me is the knife my mother used.
The knife she held about 24 hours ago.
The knife that my father used to indirectly slit her wrist.
And it's the only thing left of her that I have.

My uncle is signing the legal contracts and my sister
and I are excused from school for a week or so,
but surprisingly this is the time I actually feel like going
to school. I don't want every single thing to be cut
out from the world. Edwin, Jeffrey and Matthew have
no idea what had happened to me, I've been cut
off from possibly every single life source I've ever held on to,
cos they were all from my now forever perished parents.

Why am I the remains of my family?
Why did God entrust my sister with me.
I guess that's because He trusts me.
And I know I trust Him.

Guess what, I made a new friend.
She's a real dumbass. Her name's Isabella.
She's been going through a rough time now,
because of some fuckass named De Wei.
Who claims he knows the meaning of love
when he doesn't know a shit about sacrifice.
Sheesh, oh well. Isabella doesn't deserve the life
she's going through, you know?
She has a guy friend called Marcus,
and she trusts him completely, so I hope if
no one will take care of her, then he will with God's help,
even if she doesn't want it.
I feel that there's some connection between
the both of us, you know?
I've known for less than a month, and I can't help
but worry about her. I hope she's alright.

Man... though everything, and I mean everything's changing,
there's still one person in my life that I know will never go.
Zenda. Ha. My little girl suffering from a life time of paranoia.
I miss her so much, and you know what?
She was the first person I wanted to call when all this
happened. She's always there, but she's a real dumbass for
always hurting herself because of others, she should
just learn to ask someone to fuck off once in a while,
oh wait, she already does that to me.

I miss her so much, but I won't be seeing her for a while.
That sucks doesn't it.
I wish I could just go over to her house and comfort
her, not caring about my own problems but hers.

I remember the scene with my Zi Liang...
He was probably the best elder brother you could ask for,
even if not for you, he was perfect enough for me.
I gave him up for Zenda, and I don't regret it.
Cos I know that he's convinced, after all the years of
him teasing me, he knows that I know the meaning of love.
Love, and lost.
I miss him, but I regret nothing.
I know Zen still holds a burden for it, I really
don't expect her to. It wasn't her fault that it happened,
and it was so long ago.

I've got to run, a lot of ugly stuff to do.
I've got to settle things in my life, and
hopefully the next time I post here, things
will change for the better.
That's all I can ask for God now.