Breathe In the Air

Ah, Australia.
I've finally settled in, and it's official,
I've unpacked my last box.
Yeah, I've got to admit, I miss my peeps,
but hey, I got something in return, didn't I?
New school, new friends, new home,
it's all good. It's great, in fact.

but no... I haven't forgotten anything,
the reason why I moved,
all my memories back in SG,
I haven't forgotten anything, but the
good thing is that they will eventually fade.

School's good, boring, but good.
Guessing which school I got into?
Eltham High School. Yes yes, Eltham.
Very bright, very academically fantastic.
No one cares about that. It's the PEOPLE there.
Man, the people.
They're all great, I've got new friends,
as usual, the popular clique.
Hey, I'm cool! What else can you expect?

&... last but not least...
there's a girl involved...

Against All Odds

I ran out of words.
I went over to her house to talk to her,
to at least explain to her that I was sorry.
If she hadn't read the letter, I wanted to explain what it was about.
I saw her coming, she saw me, and she turned away.
"Zen, I know I'm leaving..... but you.... you have to take care you know?"
That's all that could come out of my mouth.
and I didn't even get to finish the sentence before she said "I know. Take Care. Love you. Bye."
then she slammed the door in my face...
but it was for the best. Even if she stopped to hear me,
I wouldn't know what to say. In the end, I'd have still turned away
and walked.

I wrote a note to her, and Bella too,
but I'm not going to give it to them, I won't since they feel this way.
Since they're so angry about me leaving or not meeting them like
I said I would. I watched them yesterday, and that's gonna be
the image in my head for the rest of my life - them waiting for me.

& I saw their disappointment. They kept checking the time.
I saw a glimpse of sadness.
I stayed there for the rest of the day.

You know what? I'm going to forgot all of this.
Since this is so damn screwed up, I shall just
leave this in God's hands and hope for the best.
I just hope one day I'll find the answer to my questions.

You know what? I love both of them,
too much that it's going to hurt to say goodbye.
Zen already told me that neither of them are
coming on Tuesday. & I understand, I wouldn't either if I was them.
but it's okay. It's better. It would hurt more if
I actually had to see her face again.

I saw that shimmer of tears when she saw me today.
She forced herself to look away.
but you know it hurts to have someone you love
just do that to you?
I guess that's what she would be saying right now about me.
I know she'll find someone that loves her more than I do.
Maybe she already has. She hasn't told me,
but it's okay. That guy's lucky, he ought to know that.
& he better take care of her unlike how I failed to.
all the pain I put her through.... God it's better that I'm leaving.
I know she'll be okay. I know all of them will.
cos even if it's tough saying goodbye, it's all for the best.
I would rather lose all contact with them then to fail them again.

I'm going to get some sleep now.
I'm leaving this place in 3 days and counting.
I need to get some rest and forget about all this.
Forget about her.

At last

Zen made me smile.
She did a really cute face.
Maybe she was trying to imitate someone.
I don't think it was Bella.
Bella's creepy. BADDDD creepy. Muahahaha.

I'm back to school, back on track, back to gym.
Everything in my life is tiring.
Even sleeping is tiring, but I'd rather sleep
then do anything else, or maybe just talk to Zen.
That would be fine.

I was thinking of transferring to CT.
What about that. hah.
Not just to torture that son of a bitch that
might be transferring there, or to check out
that Marcus dude that Zen keeps calling black, but
just so I can spend more time with her and Bella also.
I don't feel ensured when I'm not with her.
I feel like everything she touches becomes dangerous.
She's so fragile like.
Oh and also to make Marcus jealous.
I really think he likes Bella, but... who knows?
God. God knows.

I'm getting baptized soon.
Finally. Finally. I've waited for that my whole life,
did you know?
I wanted this ever since I was young, and
I was held back from God by my parents. Now that
they're gone, so is the barrier that separates God and I.
I know I could've just talked to him, but
I felt like I couldn't. I felt held back, I felt enclosed.

Oh God, help. I still have unfinished homework.
It's half an hour to 11. I want to go to sleep, but I can't
knowing that there will be piles of homework waiting
for me in the morning. It's irritating as heck.

Zen just asked me who was the girl I loved.
I couldn't answer her. What was I supposed to say?
"Oh, it's no one. Just you."
No, I'll keep it to myself... I hope I can.
I hope I'm strong enough. It's hard to be strong
around her, she just makes everything so difficult,
yet I can't keep away, I can't keep a distance.

I wanted to run away. I can actually. All I have to do is
tell my uncle I don't mind. My uncle got a job in Aus,
he was about to move there before my parents... thing...
but for my benefit and Xin Yi's benefit, he decided to
stay, but if I told him I wouldn't mind... he would move.
We all would move. And I'll never see Zen again.
That's it, last of it, no goodbyes whatsoever.
but I find it so hard to... saying goodbye to her, I mean.
Even if it's just going back to Uncle's house from meeting her,
it's just so hard.
Like I said, she makes everything difficult.

Life's difficult.
She's worse.
Lord, help me.